Thanks for taking the time to read about my story 🙂

Like most people’s stories, mine is fairly complicated. I know your time is limited so I’ll do my best to briefly highlight the forces and factors that turned a vibrant, multi-sport athlete and scholarship bound student… to an adult with multiple debilitating medical diagnosis including Morbid Obesity, Psychiatric Disorders, Chronic Pain and Severe Drug Addictions.

My goal in telling this painful story is to help others understand and avoid the habits and beliefs that nearly cost me my life. By publishing my story and helping others achieve their wellness goals I’m able to keep myself accountable and in alignment with a vision of an abundant, pain free, and sober life.

If you are short on time I’ve posted the introductory video to my “Taming The Beast” documentary series to more succinctly overview the story of my 1,300 page medical record spanning 21 years.

MY STORY, LIKE MANY OTHERS, STARTS IN CHILDHOOD…

AGE 7-14: Good Habits & Bad Habits

Growing up, I was encouraged to be an athlete. I competed year around in soccer, basketball and track. My parents went out of their way to support my drive to compete and excel.

Because of this, I developed some good work habits and confidence as an athlete. My father was so proud to take me to events and watch me perform. Sports really structured my life and my self identify hung largely on the approval of coaches, family, and success in competition.

Although my parents were very attuned to the demands of my sporting life, like many other parents of the 1980’s and 90’s, they were unaware of the negative effects of highly processed grains, sugar and frying oils on health, healing and athletic performance. We ate the Standard American Diet (S.A.D.) of fast-food, microwave dinners, soda, candy and highly processed carbohydrate laden foods with artificial flavors, color, and preservatives.

My usual diet was low in fiber, minerals, vitamins and plant nutrients and high in salt, sugar, bleached wheat flower, hydrogenated fats, and high in sugar. I harbor no negative feelings towards my parents for how they fed our family.  They did what they knew to do and they did what their parents had done.  They did what TV and movies, media and pro-athletes were telling them to do….eat highly processed grains, sugar-laden snacks, soda and fast food. They thought they were doing what was right and I cannot fault them for that.  I truly believe the only reason I wasn’t an obese child is because I was constantly moving.

AGE 14-18: The Pain Started Early

It wasn’t until I reached high school that I started to have severe low back pain, recurring sprains and strains, and eventually…comments from coaches about how I needed to lose weight.

Because I was a valued athlete I received regular physical therapy sessions for low back pain and chronic muscle strains. I had to visit the athletic trainers office before and after practice several days a week so I could receive heat and ice treatments for muscles that weren’t cooperating. I also suffered from a nearly endless string of dental cavities, even though I brushed my teeth daily.  I wouldn’t learn what was causing these problems for another 20+ years.

When A Dream Turns Into A Nightmare: College

I was devoted to sports in high school and made sure to get the grades I needed to receive a scholarship to play soccer for a Division 1 school. I was actually offered a scholarship to play both soccer and basketball at a different school, but I decided to play soccer at Portland State University because it was a better scholarship and I was guaranteed playing time…so I happily accepted not knowing what was in store.

I was so excited to head to college with a scholarship, it was a dream come true! At least for a few short weeks.

Not long after arriving at college and settling into student housing I discovered two things really quickly… 1.) I wasn’t going be the starting goalie for the team (an experience I had never had since I was always a varsity starter in high school).  And 2.) Lots of the students athletes drank beer and hard alcohol in the dorms, and appeared to be having a great time doing so. Apparently, older students love to get freshmen drunk…I was vulnerable to peer pressure and out of my element and I wasn’t able to say no.

This proved to be a brutal 1-2 punch as I had never developed the ability to take losses well, or play second fiddle to a goalie I didn’t think at the time was better than me (evidence of my over-inflated ego). I never really partied in high school because my life was so structured with multiple sports and academics, so I was easily drawn in by the new experience of older students inviting me to parties and socials.

The college life took me off guard. I was a fish out of water. I ended up making poor choices and I quickly became a regular drinker. I began falling behind on school work and I was turning out to be a less valuable member to the soccer team because of my unchecked depression/anxiety and newly developed drinking problem.

There was a third and fatal blow to my fragile psyche…I began gaining significant weight on my college diet of candy, canned Chef Boyardee ravioli, Cherry Coke and Alcohol. In hind site that was a terrible combination…especially for someone trying to be a competitive athlete… but at the time was easy and familiar. I began hearing comments about my weight from teammates and coaches when on the road for out of town soccer matches…and I simply had no ability to respond well to constructive or destructive criticism.

I quite quickly dropped out of college after losing my scholarship due to poor academic results and became a complete disappointment to my family. No one really understood what was happening with me and I was just looked at as an idiot, rather than a naive teenager out of her element. It took me a couple of decades to really realize that this core failure to succeed, after so much build up and preparation, left me with a strongly negative view of myself that would compound in time to become a litany of poor responses to stress and addictive behaviors.

AGE 19-26: Marriage and Medicine

Because of my insecurities and self-loathing for my failures, I fell into a pattern of chronic depression and anxiety. Not having a strong positive rhythm to fall into (since I no longer lived in my childhood home or city) or a solid support team of friends or family (since I was a newly minted derelict) left me desiring any help I could get. I did what most people do when they don’t know what to do…I consulted with the only authority I had access to, my doctor, and was quickly prescribed psychotropic medications to deal with my immature psyche and lack of integration in the greater world around me.

I was told by my doctor that what I was experiencing was simply “a chemical imbalance in my brain and that these drugs would balance it”. Never once was it explained to me that it is normal to have psychological pain and anxiety after a great failure…because up until then I rarely failed significantly. Never once was I told that being an unemployed college drop out is a psychological bomb that most 18 year olds don’t handle well on their own. This hyper oversimplification of the depression and anxiety symptoms became a mantra of sorts that lead to many more diagnoses and prescriptions over the next 20 years.

To be honest, the first two psyche meds (Prozac and Paxil) gave me unbearable symptoms in my body and I ended up on Zoloft, which rather than making me feel well and outgoing, made me feel closer to nothing at all….which at the time felt better than unbearable sadness and anxiety about my future. In time I began chasing feelings as feeling very little on psyche meds is it’s own type of pain.

Shortly after dropping out of college and receiving my first official diagnosis of Depression (and subsequent prescription), I met the man who would become my first husband and the father to my three oldest sons. He was my knight in shining armor and picked me up from a terrible place of uncertainty and anxiety about the future. With him I began to feel optimistic again outside of my formerly familiar life of athletics and academia.

We bonded over our love of food, sports, and entertainment such as comedy and movies. It was fun geeking out over the next restaurant we’d dine at, or the latest shows and movies… but the fun came at a price, as the life we lived was more often than not sedentary and consumption based. I would not figure out for nearly 20 years just how much these habits would eventually cost me mentally and physically. In hind site I was trading pleasure, entertainment and convenience for heath, spiritual nourishment and self confidence….all three of which (in hind site) had clear and pronounced symptoms that I regularly sought treatment for from my growing team of doctors.

Every symptom, from digestive, to musculoskeletal, to mental health, had its own diagnosis and prescription. At the time I thought I was being well taken care of by the system… but my overall decline continued unabated, and my list of diagnosis, prescriptions and surgeries grew year after year…along with my waist line.

AGE 26-30: My Three Sons & My Failing Mind

After nearly three years of marriage I gave birth to my first son Isaac. Shortly thereafter I had two more sons, Andrew and Atticus.  I ended up having three children in a span of 38 months.  This took a huge toll on my physical health and I completely stopped what little exercise I was doing to be a full time stay at home mom. I hit a top weight of nearly 400 pounds at peak and suffered greatly both mentally and physically. I also caused great suffering due to my lack of self-responsibility and inability to see cause from effect. When you are suffering, but don’t see your own contributions, you tend to become angry and sad…which I did often and kept seeking additional treatment and receiving additional diagnoses (and subsequent psyche meds).

I spent most of my time sitting around the house, watching TV, crafting on occasion, and tending to my young children.  The combination of bad habits of mind and body, having three needy young children and no meaningful engagement in the world outside of my TV, lead me to a stark decline over the course of just a few years.

The work I had done on my mental health consisted of frequent counseling appointments and multiple psych meds, up to five different psych medications at once.  I was never taught nor did I take the time, to look at my daily habits of movement and consumption (food, television, entertainment), or try to change the way I thought about myself and those around me.  I was told, and I believed, that I was a victim of poor genetics, poor circumstances, poor psychiatric counseling, and bad luck.  If I could just find the right therapist and the right medication, my problems could be solved.  What I really was, was a victim of my own poor food choices, my own poor thinking habits and stress responses, my lack of prioritizing exercise and movement, and my knee-jerk response to blame others for my problems. I was regularly making doctor’s appointment for the various ailments I was enduring.  Never once did I stop to think that I had much control over what I was going through. I would find out after nearly dying a few times that I really did have a ton of control over the outcomes in my life.

I continued to look to medical authority, the same authority that had been prescribing me psych meds for years without a marked improvement in my psyche.  I continued to blindly trust medical authority, trusting that they knew more about my health than I did.  It turns out, in my case, they did not.

It pains me greatly to say that I became so lost in my head with all the health struggles, poor thinking habits, lack of engagement in the greater world and multiple concurrent psyche medications that I became self-harming and very hurtful to my husband. On a couple of occasions I suffered paranoid delusions, as well as, engaged in self-harming behaviors for which I was hospitalized. My mind, mood and outlook were failing and I couldn’t see myself at fault. When you don’t see cause and effect properly, for whatever reason, you become hurtful to yourself and others. I was both hurting and hurtful.

I became the embodiment of mental anguish… and as such, I caused anguish. My relationship with my husband really never recovered from this point as I had said and done too much harm…however we stayed married for years after this.

AGE 30-34: The Lost Years

After being committed twice to psych wards due to self-harming behaviors and extreme mental breakdowns I was discharged and had a period of relative peace.  During this period I sought treatment for chronic bodily pain which I had been experiencing for many years. My new doctor quickly responded to my desire to be treated (as opposed to learning to relieve the underlying causes of my bodily pains) with a new powerful prescription…Percocet.

My new official diagnoses were Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain. I felt some relief adding them to my growing collection of diagnoses justifying why I was so unwell. At first Percocet felt like a literal miracle pill. I felt so much relief from my pain that I had a wave of renewed optimism and outgoingness that lasted a few months…however, my body became used to the pills and I began taking more, and getting stronger prescriptions to feel the same way. This increase in dose size and frequency, as you can imagine, began effecting me negatively on many levels (look up the side effects of opioids…not fun).

Because I was of the mindset that new symptoms required new treatments, I was prescribed Morphine and a muscle relaxer called Flexeril to offset the symptoms and add to the “Pain treatment protocol”…I was neck deep in at this point.  I quickly became extremely addicted to these medications.  It got to the point were I was taking 20 Percocet and 10 morphine per day along with multiple doses of Flexeril.

The escape I felt while taking these medications was a delusional sort of peace…a numbness that is hard to describe to any normal person. I was barely ever present with my children and husband.  When I was present it was because I was going through withdrawals and I was irritable and angry.  At this point in my life I am lucky to be alive because I acted irresponsibly towards myself using such lethal doses.

To be completely honest, I don’t remember a lot from these years because of how high the doses were I was taking (memory loss is a common side effect of high dose opioid use). I was in a cycle of using my medication too fast, going through withdrawals, being desperate for more, seeking more pills, rinse and repeat.

Because of these years I have a new pain I live with every day…the pain of knowing I’m responsible for lost time with my young children and husband, time I can never get back, memories that are lost forever. For two of my sons I barely remember them being infants and toddlers. I was constantly sweating from the high doses I was taking, and rarely was I present.

My addiction to these prescriptions became so severe that I entered into an intensive outpatient treatment program and I was forced to quit them cold-turkey.  The withdrawals were terrible, however, the hell of being stuck in an opioid addiction cycle was far, far worse. I’m truly lucky to have survived the doses I was taking and the chances I was taking under the influence…very lucky.

Age 34-35: My Last Attempt at Medical Intervention

After years of being severely obese and struggling greatly with addictive/abusive food habits, I decided to undergo a gastric bypass surgery. At the time I saw it as my only option to fix my weight and eating disorder…I was wrong on both accounts.

Gastric bypass surgery is literally a procedure of malabsorption, meaning that your body is no longer able to absorb all of the nutrients from the foods you eat and is incapable of taking in much more than a few handfuls of food in one sitting. Despite removing most of my small intestine and stapling my stomach down to a fraction of its former size…I still managed to  maintain most of the body fat I hoped I would lose because I was still eating the highly processed sugar and carb-laden foods that got me into the mess I was in in the first place.

I only ended up losing about 50 pounds after the surgery and I was left with a digestive tract that will never be able to absorb nutrients correctly.  To this day, I suffer with low iron and low B12 levels despite supplementation.  If I had known then what I know now, I never would have gone under the knife.  It was a huge process to go through for not a lot of reward.

After I had the gastric bypass, I wasn’t able to eat like I was accustomed to and because I wasn’t tackling the root causes of my health problems I fell into a trap that many do, I transferred my food addiction to something else. This time it was a marijuana dependency and later marijuana and alcohol.

Despite multiple psych meds, frequent counseling appointments, and support from friends and family I continued to go deeper and deeper in to addiction.  The psych meds weren’t working, the counseling wasn’t working and support from loved ones wasn’t enough to overcome my restlessness, anxiety and dark thoughts , but numbing myself nightly with substances seemed to bring me a feeling of temporary cheerfulness…or at least shut my head down anyway.  

I was so caught up in myself I didn’t pay enough attention to my marriage. I stopped communicating with most of my friends regularly and unsurprisingly, my marriage ended in divorce and I moved out to my own apartment. 

AGE 35-37: Spiraling Out of Control

Being on my own was unexpectedly difficult. I had romanticized what it would be like to have every choice be my own and the freedom to work on myself more, however, being without a structure and a supporting partner made it very hard to adhere to a clear plan of action.

I seemed to fail at holding a job and finding love. My confidence began falling as I realized that I wasn’t much better at being on my own than when I was in college. I was a failure of a person chasing away dark feelings with destructive habits. It’s as if the day before I met my ex-husband (when I was a depressed college drop out) so many years ago was every day.  I was unable to say no to peer pressure and began taking on the bad habits of those who’s approval I sought. When I drove for Uber I often waited in the airport parking lot and chatted with other drivers and was eventually offered a cigarette. I took it…this lead to a two pack a day habit in short order.

When I went on dates I accepted alcohol when offered, and once again found myself in a cycle of addiction. I became a severe alcoholic (drinking nearly 1/2 gallon of vodka per day), developed a 2-pack a day cigarette addiction on top of my multiple psyche/nerve pain med schedule.

In time my dating became more about the drugs than the pursuit of love…I can’t tell you how hellish it is to not remember a date, or have completely ruined a connection with a good guy because I was either too eager to get drunk or be liked. My life fell into a level of disarray that is hard to describe. I lost jobs, was evicted, and was very close to losing the right to see my children. Although I loved my children dearly I had become a bad role model who didn’t provide a home worthy of them. Everything was in disarray, literally everything.

My life came to a screeching halt when I totaled my car in a DUI accident. Over an hour after the crash, my blood alcohol level was still .254 (over triple the legal limit) – all of the poor decisions I had made up until this point had been actions I could recover from, or relationships I could possibly repair.  Totaling my shiny new car at high speeds on a country road after drinking vodka for seven hours straight was as unforgivable an action as they come.  Miraculously, no one was injured and I caused no property damage.  To this day, I’m still not sure how I walked away from that accident alive. At this point I was totally and truly out of control…a low of lows I wish upon no one. Its actually hard to describe how truly bad things had become…and how little value I felt I had in the world.

The same day of the accident I was dropped off at a friend’s house (a friend who was also struggling with addiction) by the police and was promptly offered a drink.  I accepted that drink and continued to run from my feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  I tell this story only to show that I wasn’t a victim of a bad choice that day…I was completely mired in self loathing and addiction. To be honest…I was literally a single bad day away from becoming homeless, dead, or permanently scarred and/or mentally unsalvageable.

AGE 38-Present: A Stroke of Luck, a Touch of Love and Ton of Hard Work

Just a couple of months before my court appointed drug and alcohol rehab was set to begin I met a man named Paul on a dating app I had been frequenting. I was his first date/match using the app and he was probably my millionth. He looked at me differently, he asked me different questions and he didn’t offer me alcohol. I went through the whole date kind of shocked he seemed genuinely interested in me and that I wasn’t moved to either ditch him to get drunk or ask him to drink with me. I didn’t even have a single cigarette for 4 hours out of fear of scaring him off. We drank tea, went on a walk and sat on a bench and talked…an odd but good date.

I was elated and terrified at the same time. Its only a matter of time before he figures me out, I thought…but that never happened. I think what really happened is that he figured out that I was a loving mother who meant well and just kept focusing on that aspect of my life. He never let my stories of being a home wrecking, drug addicted mental patient be THE truth of me…even though I definitely tried to make that case every time I craved the substances that had spent 20 years surging through my body. 

It turns out that my new boyfriend had spent 12 years as a personal trainer and wellness coach and had tons of experience dealing with difficult cases, hard addicts, and addiction in his own personal life. He fell in love with me and my children and with his support and guidance I set a goal of removing as many of the bad substances and habits from my life as possible about a month ahead of my court appointed rehab. 

He told me to visualize a time when I felt confident and powerful…which of course for me was when I was a competitive athlete. He told me to think about what it takes to be competitive in sports and encouraged me to think of my life as a sport of sorts. He told me that beneath every obese body lies an athlete waiting to be selected by the coach to be put on the playing field. I knew this was true. I knew it from experience.

My first step was to quit smoking cigarettes because my middle son Andrew really hated the habit…that helped build the momentum I needed to quit drinking alcohol and abusing drugs. Purging these substances from my life really helped me find the inner stillness required to hold a basic job and clean up my house (literally and figuratively). I worked at a coffee shop and felt amazing just knowing I was going days without hard drugs and honoring my work and home responsibilities. I entered treatment, with a jumpstart on my recovery. I never failed a drug test or suffered a setback throughout the whole nine months of intensive outpatient therapy because I was already fully focused on my daily diet, honoring my responsibilities at work and home, and getting out for walks and light exercise throughout the week. A couple of the major things treatment did for me was force me to take random drug tests and avoid going back to jail. The accountability factor of taking random drug tests provided a lot of motivation for me to stay on the up and up.  In my program, one slip up would require me to start the entire nine month process over again. In addition, I had to run a tight schedule to make it to all of my treatment classes which helped contribute to my need for structure. I met some quality therapists while in treatment which helped make the process more of a seamless and enjoyable transition for me. What Paul did for me was to show me what a life looks like when its unencumbered by addiction and self loathing. 

Paul taught me a lot I never knew about food (and its impact on mental and physical health) and showed me how to eat in a way that was correct for my body…and most importantly for my children. It turned out, my body runs very well on high quality proteins, fresh vegetables, fruits, and quality carbohydrates sprinkled in throughout my day.  A month after dedication to sobriety and personal wellness I was down 22 pounds and feeling better about my life than I had in who knows how long.

I was able to focus on tasks for longer than a few seconds.  I wasn’t constantly preoccupied with thoughts of when I could get my next drink or cigarette.  I began to really enjoy what I was eating and I learned how to cook simple, delicious meals for my children and myself.

Within 7 months of daily adherence to basic principles of food quality and glycemic balance I lost over 80 pounds without starving myself or doing anything extreme. I just ate super clean and got out for regular walks and some body weight exercises.

Having transitioned from being a total train wreck, to a sober, fit and forward looking person was only possible for me because I had someone to explain to me exactly why every step I was making was the right play, and put all these plays in to a coherent playbook to win at being a mom, daughter and partner.

I realized that in order for me to never go back I had to dissolve my old self, suppress my fears of being shamed for how wrecked I was and share my painful story to help inspire those who want out of the vicious cycles of body and mind that ruin lives every day. I started working towards getting my certification as a personal trainer and becoming a wellness coach. I studied and studied and passed the test on my first attempt.

I help others with their wellness goals, and by so doing, solidify my own. We are in this together. I can only promise you the following: I will be present with you each day we work together, I will make your wellness goals my top priority, and I will challenge your limiting beliefs and support you in being the best possible version of yourself. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I look forward to playing a part in helping you change your story.

Sincerely,

Katie Hanke

PS- If you are interested knowing more specific details of my 1300 page medical history / transformation please check out my Documentary Video Series “Taming The Beast” on Youtube.